Too close to tragic

I know I'm behind, and will possibly eventually tell y'all the exciting, happy things.  In general, our family is wonderful right now, Vani is (finally!) coming onto her own and Riley continues to be a joy.

But, when we were on our holidays in Turks and Caicos (yes, we went, more to come), we almost became THAT family, with the kid that drowned.  And THOSE families always talk about how fast it was, and how they wished...

And now I get it.  And too, need to share it.  'Cause I knew, but didn't know.

The house in the Turks is centered around the pool.  Can't avoid it.  Riley's been there three or four times, and he's the responsible one.  Vani is crazy, crazy about water, younger and generally, just crazy.  We knew we had to be right on top of her.  She was not even for a minute out of our sight and much of the time, in lifejacket even when eating lunch (not as practical as it seems, esp. with toilet training).

So of course, the one we nearly lost was Riley.  The kid who is almost four, responsible around pools and follows rules.

The night before, my parents friends' kids came over, age 5 and 7.  They were doing cannon balls and swimming.  Riles was enthralled.  Riles was swimming etc with his lifejacket on.  But I guess he wanted to be like the big boys.   The next morning, I was making coffee, it was early.  Si had Ri, but came to the kitchen to ask me something.  We talked for maybe 1 minute before my mom said "who's got Riley".  THANK YOU GOGO.  The kitchen is beside the pool, but not a view line.  We all walked around, and Riley was floating in the middle.

His face was near the surface, but kind of half-under.  I remember him not moving.  He had been wearing a hat, which was floating in the pool. Seared on my brain.

My mom jumped in, and grabbed him and he was coughing, and then we were holding him.  He was breathing, shaking.  And I can't help but think how different it would be 20 seconds from then.

He said he'd wanted to try swimming like the big boys.  I had thought we would have heard a splash, but nothing.  He said he jumped into the deep part (middle).  He said he couldn't swim so was kick-kick-kicking and spinning and spinning.  When we saw him, he was still.

I think of this hourly still.  This was too too too close.  And to say it was fast, and terrifying, is an understatement.  WE ARE SO LUCKY.  I torture myself with thoughts of his limp body.  My baby.  

I know, we all know this, don't leave your kids by the pool etc.  Before we went, we'd discussed perma-lifejacketing them, and that lasted for the first few days before we got lazy wi R, he's so good.  We just had him in sights (no lifejacket when not swimming), since we had to be 100% on top of Vani anyways.  He's been around pools a lot, and never went into them without asking or lifejackets.  Until this one time,  when we hadn't even had coffee yet, he decided to try to swim like the big boys.  And while "technically" our system of keeping tabs worked in that we found him, I realized that our parameters were wrong.  Before this, to me 1 minute is "a quick trip to pee, the toilet is right beside the pool and I'm rushing and I'd hear if there was a splash and he's playing with his cars anyways" while to Riley its 55 seconds longer than he can swim for, and his head is under water.

I don't know if this can help someone.    Of course, we all know this; stupid lady everybody knows you have to be anal retentive with kids and water.  Somehow I hadn't really thought through the fact that he can swim for 5 seconds in swim class.  Realized that means ONLY 5 seconds in the deep end too.  5 seconds is nothing.  And no four year old is responsible.

Hugging my kids closer every day.